Well, it *is* Friday. With all the other frankly abysmal shit going down, it’s somewhat comforting to know that our national press (online and off) still prioritises women and make plenty of time to body and slut shame, obsess over the legs of dead royals and be all-round twats.
Enjoy… or something…
10) Rug Beta
The Telegraph (premium – ooh fancy) 18/06/17
So, do you? Have you done all your boy jobs? No? Then what pray, are you doing on the internet? You’ve got to change into suitable attire before she gets home, you’ve a mattress to flip, rugs to beat, bins to put out, brass to polish and you need to wash your emasculated junk before you’re due to sexually dominate your tolerant provider *taps watch*.
9) Questionable hats off to The Express
The Express, 22/06/2017
Seems there’s a spinner in the Daily Express office. You know, like the one in ‘Twister,’ only instead of arranging the limbs of drunk friends into a fun human-centipede, this one tells women what they’re doing wrong. Sometimes it lands on ‘nipple,’ other times ‘visible minge’ or maybe ‘talking loudly,’ but this week they had the fan on and it wouldn’t stop spinning so they wrote this scrolling frenzy of misogyny, body-shaming and fashion-policing.
The headline screams about a NIP SLIP, the copy then splutters like an 80s Skoda about ‘under-breasts’, ‘modesty’ and exposed ribcages before becoming dangerously incredulous about a ‘questionable hat.’ Hate to break it to you guys, but these women give zero shits. Kick back and have a Pimms, it’s summer.
8) Answers on a postcard
The Mail Online (the horrid version of The Mail that allegedly inspires right wing thuggos, unlike the lovely one that’s made of paper), 21/06/2017
Aside from the obvious body-snarking and this being an abysmal excuse for news, there seems to be 39 near identical photos of the same woman, in the same bikini, doing the same thing. It’s quite baffling. Perhaps you might like to help us figure it out? Take part in our jolly poll below.
7) Ample word assets spill bustily from an eye-poppingly racy headline
The Express, 22/06/17
In the last seven days the typists at The Express have penned no less than 20 articles that contain the word ‘busty’; 17 that boast a ‘spill’; 33 that blush like a debutante with the word ‘racy’; 31 with ‘ample’ nestled within their wordy bosoms; 53 that feature ‘assets’ of all kinds, not just tits ‘n’ arse and an impressive 32 utilise ‘eye-popping’, a phrase oft over-looked in loftier journals. Based on this extensive research, one could be forgiven for thinking perhaps Richard Desmond pays his staff so poorly that none can afford a pervert-thesaurus; or perhaps that The Express is where the spark of creative composition is all but snuffed out. But no, we are not fit to judge, they have, it seems a cunning linguist in their midst, one that can fit ALL of these rich and evocative words not just into one article, but one headline no less. Eye-popping indeed.
6) Bit of see through skirt
The Sun, 21/06/17
Kate does a Diana? What she wore a white dress, out of doors while it was light? Shit a brick. No wonder William was drawn to her, that is some cosmically spooky shit.
5) The Mail in ‘isn’t sexism a bit shit’ shocker
The Daily Mail (print version not just on the completely different internet version of the same paper), 22/06/2017
Stone the crows the Mail are right! It really would be utter shit if mass media outlets were still cravenly obsessed with women doing housework. Thank goodness no-one does that any more.
4) Pap Smear
The Star, 22/06/2017
Look, The Star, maybe celebs are so thoroughly sick to death of deviant photographers hovering endlessly around their nethers waiting for a pap-shot, that they figured they might as well just flash their under-bums. Am sure it means wasting less time saying ‘no, fuck off you pervert’ and rooting about in their pants for rogue lens caps.
3) Poor Carol
The Express, 21/06/2017
It seems likely that unless shapely Carol somehow decides to discard her buxom human body, she will wantonly and forever taunt the M&S jersey dress fetishists at The Express with her lustful weather tales.
2) Let’s all get in shape!
The Mail Online , 22/06/17
Meet the helpful R&D department at Forza Supplements, FS is a jolly company that makes all manner of useful pills, potions and snake oils to remedy revolting maladies like having a female human body. One of their products is called ‘Hydratrim’ which sound like it might help a person shed pesky flesh by replacing all sustenance with a small pill containing a drop of water. But what do I know? They’re the experts. I think we’re allowed to listen to experts that tell us we’re too fat right, just not the ones that witter on about the environment or economics or healthcare?
Anyway, those lovely scamps at Forza wanted to help ALL women understand just how shit they are (even Princess Kate) by compiling a list of objects that the female body can be likened to (Kate’s a skittle, the bowling kind, not the delicious confectionary kind). Their super helpful mates at The Mail thought we should all read it, see the error of our bodily ways and then turn to the meal-denying, replacement-shake-proffering embrace of Forza for aid! So thoughtful! I wonder if the crew at the Mail have found out what shape they are, I’ll bet Paul Dacre is the exact shape of a poo*.
*lying on his side obvs.
1) What a load of bum
The Sun, 21/06/17
‘Snigger! It’s a lady’s bottom! On the cover! Look her actual bum!’
Of course one can only guess at the calibre of the staff meeting within the News UK building, this may be grossly unrepresentative,, they may well be far less mature.
Oh, P.S. Fuck off Rupert
Well. That’s all folks, hope it was as good for you etc. Will attempt to continue TWISN as it has been neglected horribly. It might be fortnightly, or maybe shorter. Will see what works best to keep it coming.
Muchas amore lovely readers XX
Thanks for a great laugh as always, and hope the dental work wasn’t too horrible!
Just a remark – that photo of Her Royal Duchessness is photoshopped. It’s genuine up to the top of the knee, then it’s deffo been ‘worked on’. Not that we should give a rat’s arse or a monkey’s whistle, but it’s a bit of a a low trick by the gutter press.
Luvanstuff, JHC