– By Iris Clot and Janice Lathe. Flora Cramp is away.
On reflection and based on some comments (which we’ve responded to) I’ve updated entries #10 and #4. TWISN went a touch rogue this week… I do so love poking things with the Class Stick but Flora usually reigns me in… hope you enjoy the couple of extras lovelies. Iris xx
Fresh from our weekly exertions, we present, dear reader, The Week in Sexist News. Like a shit roman candle or a disappointing shag, light the blue touchpaper and watch it make an exciting-sounding noise before going ‘phut’.
10) Mum’s are such bitches
Gosh. A bunch of mums have been fat-shaming at the school gates… Blimey, there really is no precedent for that sort of behaviour is there? I can’t think of a single instance in the media where people are victimised because of their size, or relentlessly coerced into hating their bodies as they are or encouraged to change their size and shape. It’s almost as if these attitudes just pop into women’s heads unbidden. Because obviously women are awful bullies independent of any other kind of mass-circulated hate-propaganda. You’d never catch those sweet, sweet lovelies at The Sun judging women on their appearance…
9) Express stuns world with shit, cowardly journalism (part 542)
They love a death, the media. And while it might have been better if, say, Ben Fogle has had his head chewed off by a lion or Sarah Lancashire had her legs devoured by a flesh eating virus, the Express have decided to use Cilla Black’s death to make anyone who lost a baby feel really, really shit.
Those lovely, lovely people have decided that she never really got over the loss of her child and move swiftly on to allow the suggestion that her death – decades later – was some form of public enactment of agony to linger in what passes for its reader’s brain.
Why not, we wonder, encourage readers to donate to a premature baby charity? No. Too much effort. Turn the page instead, and have a good, sweaty look at Myleene Klass’s knockers.
8) Because men never need wiping down
Ladies, this is a MUST READ. A ‘must read’ for ladies. In the Femail section. Because ladies do all the washing. Which is nice. Reading this actually made me glad that there are now wipe clean clothes. Mainly because it means should I ever decide to disembowel a Daily Mail journalist I don’t need to worry about spoiling my favourite dungarees with a smear of entrail.
7) What a difference a Dins makes
Dave Dinsmore is at home in his seventies, mock-Tudor house, with its tasteful lions at the gate and faux-Regency mailbox on its own plinth. He’s drunk his banana Nesquik, thoughtfully nibbled his rusk, while crumbs fell on his budding paunch, and is about to polish his collection of horse brasses when he notices that Millie Mackinstosh has got one of her nips out in a selfie.
“Hold page 15,” he says, squeaking excitedly into his Mr Playtime Fun-Fone. “I know how we can get tits into the paper and call it news.”
6) Scaling the heights of Fail
Hello? Is that the Daily Express? Ah, yes. Could you kindly fuck off this, and EVERY, day?
5) Braga’s boobs could make a man sob spaff
Bear in mind that this is from the Crass Tit Peddlars’ Journal, aka the Daily Star. One can be forgiven, on merely reading the headline and knowing the calibre of the source, for suspecting that the images would make Peter Stringfellow’s eyes weep jizz, such is the FILTH quotient.
Now, perhaps we have become so desensitised over the last 10 months of imbibing the malodorous news droppings plopped out by Fleet Street’s finest, that we no longer recoil at the sight of camel toe showcasing mesh underthings, all manner of tit vantage points and Carol Kirkwood’s nipple shape. So we’re loathe to agree that this ‘raunchy shoot’ really constitutes filthy – unless, of course, we’ve missed the point entirely and they’re merely commenting on the fact that she has got sand in her crack.
4) Abdomen Watch
Imagine that every time you pick up an object and carry it somewhere there is a Sun journalist interpreting it’s significance to a health or fertility related swelling. Bey carried a laptop in front of her general womb/fanny area and now everyone thinks she’s up the duff again. I wore a backpack the other day, if I were famous, a wild rumour about a developing hunchback might ensue. In the winter I tend to wear scarves, that could prompt Goitre Gate. It must get tiresome, like being on Springwatch, except, instead of bothering a vole or stoat family, Bill Oddie is camped at your crotch and whispering things about nests and gestation periods.
3) Women allowed to appear on television
As we missed the memo that the Taliban had taken over national television, we were understandably baffled by this piece which saw to comment on the fact some women presented a television programme. One of them was Carol Kirkwood, who someone at the Express badly wants to interfere with, being described as ‘fabulous,’ a ‘sight to behold’ and, in a très retro way, as ‘a stunner.’
Next week, we look at all the TV programmes presented by men, and Jill off over whether Robert Peston dresses to the left or right.
2) Porn free, as free as Mail blows…
Bloody, bloody women. If you don’t keep your eye on them, they’re off up the school, measuring boys’ members, shaving their pubes and grinding around in bed with a mirror, doing Unspeakable Things to themselves. Or that’s how the Mail are trying to stimulate the collective clits of Middle England into a big self righteous, frothy wank over Goedele Liekens.
Liekens says that YOUR SACRED CHILDREN need to learn about sexual pleasure in school as well as how not to get chlamydia, and that boys learning about sex from porn is, y’know, bad. Which is why she’s doing a Channel 4 documentary about it and why the Mail are weakly trying to spin sexual pleasure as a threat to God, King and Empire.
Props to Mail reader Gungarius, who describes this as ‘filth.’ And whose wife thinks ‘orgasm’ is an own-brand answer to Head & Shoulders.
1) Put out or fear the Wrath of Onan
Apparently, ladies, “male sexual desire in the 21st Century continues to greatly outstrip non-commercial female supply.” At least it is according to ‘expert’ Catherine Hakim in the Telegraph. That is Dr Catherine Hakim sociologist, who is actually an expert in hair flicking and eyelash fluttering.
In case you weren’t aware, hetero lady-readers, you are a supplier of shags. Yes, you with a fag in that hot pink velour dressing gown. In fact, you’re like a human ice-cream van (specialising in cornets and apathetic hand jobs) or, for those who are less spontaneous, an Avon lady of carnal delights (cheap, saggy hosiery and a quick furtle round the back of Kwik Save). So, what to do when demand ‘outstrips non-commercial supply?’ Well, you ‘outsource.’ But to what, or whom, depends on one’s budget.
For instance, if as a couple you’re pretty flush, there’s Joanna Lumley in Shirley Valentine. If you have budgetary restraints, then try finding a mate who’s a bit of a nympho and will put out for a gin, a pint of snakebite and a bag of pork scratchings. Or for a real DIY solution, simply drill a hole (diameter needs to be bespoke) in a bit of two by four and sand it down. Responsibility discharged. Job done.
And there it is. For people that needed to know someone at the Express wishes to place his button mushroom of a penis in poor Carol Kirkwood, or how we should legalise prostitution because your boyfriend is walking around with nuts like two tins of Carnation Cream, it’s a blessing. For the rest of us, the greatest insult since Denis Thatcher felt amorous and the result was Mark.
We repair to a low-rent bar that smells of Flash with an underscore of vomit and something that may be effluent, where will drink until we can’t feel our knees. We suggest you do the same. Until next week, darlings…
Surely the denial of access to sports for children and the denial of employment to women should be the real issue with the lacrosse story? If it were football or swimming, would you have the same perspective? Even as an emigrant to this country I am kind of disappointed with the stance you have taken.
At Tights, we are of the opinion that PE is an opportunity to mince about in a gym skirt past the more developed boys in 10DA (or was, those days are gladly behind us). We also have nothing but a large bag of eyerolls for a paper that gets its pom-poms out for Cameron and all his hellish instruments of torture. Until,that is, a sport that is usually the preserve of the well-heeled is suddenly put in peril by an immigration system that normally targets the conveniently poor.
Hahaha, absolutely wonderful this week. Laughed my head off, especially at the lacrosse bit. I feel the same way, probably because I couldn’t give a shit about lacrosse and not even sure what it is really. Have a great weekend.
FYI, undermining a woman’s position as a founding fashion editor by calling them ‘petal’ strikes me as sexist. Usually I think you girls are very funny but be careful not to stoop to these tabloids’ levels.
Hi Helen! I think Iris’s pal Janice wrote that bit. She is equally condescending to all humans, but we’ll edit out her patronising bits next time. Flora x
So your stance is that not letting kids play a sport and stopping women from working is not condemnable in some circumstances? Good to know.
Hello Elizabeth! I’m technically away this week, but saw this comment, so thought I’d wade in. I think Iris was just being a bit flippant; she loathes that the Telegraph only appear to give a stuff about the sort of women’s sports enjoyed by ‘elite’ and that they are constantly finding new ways to slag off immigrants. But I can totally see your side of it too. I don’t actually know what Lacrosse is because I hate all sports equally, but I’m all for women and children and men and dogs and pets of all sorts being free to play whatever they like. Also, there is nothing worse in all the world than being stuck at a ferry terminal on a coach, so my thoughts are with the Lacrosse teams. I hope they all have sandwiches. Flora x
Yessss! Best line ever: ‘should I ever decide to disembowel a Daily Mail journalist I don’t need to worry about spoiling my favourite dungarees with a smear of entrail.” Thank you Tights! Xx
I actually read that Catherine Hakim Telegraph article… it made me want to clean my eyes out with bleach afterwards just so I could burn the words out of my brain.
Thank you for your weekly doses of common sense! Much appreciated.
FYI Helen Rogers. Calling grown women ‘girls’ is also patronising.
Congrats all you wonderful people at Tights. You are my favourite blog.
Baaaa I need wipe clean everything after this little belter. Thank you and welcome Janice!
The lacrosse piece sits badly in the context of the whole post. Bottom line – omen are being denied jobs as a result of emigration policies. Those policies suck. No matter what the class of person they impact.
If the women were cleaners or brain surgeons would there be the same acceptance of the discrimination against them.
Hi Casey, yes they absolutely do suck. No argument from us there. The gist was that the Telegraph only care because of who it’s affecting. But anyhow, I’ve updated this post as this one has clanged a bit for us on reflection. Thanks for your feedback. Iris x
I’m confused by the inclusion of #10. The article is calling out the sexism shown by vast swathes of the media when commenting on female celebrities over 35: that if they are unmarried, divorced or childless we should feel sorry for them (unlike their male counterparts). It’s sentiment I’d expect in Tights, to be honest. But it’s in the Guardian so it’s sexist?
#3 though: YES.
Hi Momo, Mainly that inclusion was frustration that the broadsheets are more and more using the clickbait strategies of the tabloids, reporting on the same non-stories but contextualising it so it sits more comfortably for their readership. Also our guest writer has a vendetta against the Guardian… But if you see above we’ve updated this post. Thanks for your thoughts.