I just attempted to buy a loaf in Tesco.

To all of you who feel anxious in crowds, are disinterested in saving eleven pounds on a dishwasher and are unimpressed by sweaty men in duffel coats shoving you in the arse with a HP printer whilst shouting ‘Jordan, put that bleedin’ Lego down, NO you’re not having a Toblerone’ my advice to you is:

Don’t go outdoors today.

Black Friday – where the effing Hell did that come from? Well, America, obviously, but WHY is it suddenly a ‘thing’ in Britain? The shops have tried to sneak it in this year, making us all believe that it’s a legitimate occasion, like Bonfire Night or Pancake Day.  Now, I think America’s alright – the Land of the Free and all that – they have a fit-ish bloke in charge and, generally speaking, they do nice breakfasts. But, if we’re going to nick one of their special days, can’t it be one that involves troughing shedloads of food and having a day off – or that one where Bill Murray gets a depressed weasel to predict the weather?

To make matters worse, my mother’s toaster has just broken. ‘Our Kath says Argos have got a sale on’ she said, leafing through the catalogue, ‘we’ll have to go and get a new one – your dad can’t eat that Kingsmill without toasting it first – it’s too doughy.’ I have warned her, but she won’t listen. I can hear her putting her key in the door AS WE SPEAK – unless she sees Peggy at the bus stop and has to scuttle back in the house, she will regret this toaster pilgrimage. It’s HELL OUT THERE.

I think it should be mandatory to take a public vote before introducing new days of cultural significance. Personally, I vote to immediately scrap Black Friday and instead bring back Whit Sunday – a lovely day of swanning about in parks and listening to brass bands over a quiche based lunch. YES PLEASE!

As we wait for the mandatory public vote to take hold, I will be introducing into the Gregorian calendar:

Roller Skate to Work Day (10th May)

Trifle Sunday (third Sunday in July)

The International Day of the Minge (15th October)

St Sarah Vine Day (Halloween)

Tweet George Osborne a Picture of your Arse Day (Thursdays)

NB Argos will remain closed on all aforementioned occasions. Tesco, Sainsbury’s and Asda will also close (the Dairy section alone will remain open on the third Sunday in July).

Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to turn the internet off, chuck the telly in a nearby pond and enjoy a selection of damp sandwiches. Thanks for nothing Kingsmill.