I just attempted to buy a loaf in Tesco.
To all of you who feel anxious in crowds, are disinterested in saving eleven pounds on a dishwasher and are unimpressed by sweaty men in duffel coats shoving you in the arse with a HP printer whilst shouting ‘Jordan, put that bleedin’ Lego down, NO you’re not having a Toblerone’ my advice to you is:
Don’t go outdoors today.
Black Friday – where the effing Hell did that come from? Well, America, obviously, but WHY is it suddenly a ‘thing’ in Britain? The shops have tried to sneak it in this year, making us all believe that it’s a legitimate occasion, like Bonfire Night or Pancake Day. Now, I think America’s alright – the Land of the Free and all that – they have a fit-ish bloke in charge and, generally speaking, they do nice breakfasts. But, if we’re going to nick one of their special days, can’t it be one that involves troughing shedloads of food and having a day off – or that one where Bill Murray gets a depressed weasel to predict the weather?
To make matters worse, my mother’s toaster has just broken. ‘Our Kath says Argos have got a sale on’ she said, leafing through the catalogue, ‘we’ll have to go and get a new one – your dad can’t eat that Kingsmill without toasting it first – it’s too doughy.’ I have warned her, but she won’t listen. I can hear her putting her key in the door AS WE SPEAK – unless she sees Peggy at the bus stop and has to scuttle back in the house, she will regret this toaster pilgrimage. It’s HELL OUT THERE.
I think it should be mandatory to take a public vote before introducing new days of cultural significance. Personally, I vote to immediately scrap Black Friday and instead bring back Whit Sunday – a lovely day of swanning about in parks and listening to brass bands over a quiche based lunch. YES PLEASE!
As we wait for the mandatory public vote to take hold, I will be introducing into the Gregorian calendar:
Roller Skate to Work Day (10th May)
Trifle Sunday (third Sunday in July)
The International Day of the Minge (15th October)
St Sarah Vine Day (Halloween)
Tweet George Osborne a Picture of your Arse Day (Thursdays)
NB Argos will remain closed on all aforementioned occasions. Tesco, Sainsbury’s and Asda will also close (the Dairy section alone will remain open on the third Sunday in July).
Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to turn the internet off, chuck the telly in a nearby pond and enjoy a selection of damp sandwiches. Thanks for nothing Kingsmill.
“…are disinterested in saving eleven pounds on a dishwasher” – so true like. I saw people claw each other’s eyes out earlier to get a few quid off of Apple products. 20 pounds off of almost 1,000 pounds won’t really change things lads.
Too bloody right. I reckon if we dont celebrate Thanksgiving (and last time I looked we didnt .. but give it time..) then by default we dont mark Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving). Its an unfettered consumer-fest imposed on us by greedy retailers. Not falling for it! No Black Friday!!
I am so glad someone put my feelings in to words! Our local Asda was so hectic there has been a car crash on the road leading in to it (don’t think anyone has been hurt) and people are still trying to pile in!
I like the idea of Tweet George Osborne a Picture of your Arse Day (Thursdays) – as an obvious prelude to Dress-down Fridays? Come to think of it the only response to Black Friday (and it is dark, dark, dark) is not to get dressed at all, but stay in bed with a good book!
V enjoyable read. I am goibg to use this as a structural model for my y12 english language class. Great example of a polemic piece!
Excellent Elaine! However, please do encourage your class to wait until they’re of legal age to send photos of their arse to George Osborne.