As Brexit brow sweeps the nation, we take a look at this year’s hottest ‘Article 50’ style essentials, guaranteed to make your wardrobe great again.
1. Henge dress
Made of dolerite poly-cotton mix, this neolithic number harks back to a nicer, simpler time; a time when Britain was, developmentally, lagging approximately 600 years or so behind the Middle East.
2. Pocket Square
A Farage pocket square is a must this season. Tuck it seductively into your Debenhams blazer or use it to cover your eyes to avoid reality, like that frightened horse in Gone with the Wind.
3. Epaulet flags
Inspired by Farage’s flaccid little desk flag, these beauties effortlessly take back control of a trend and show who’s the boss of your blazer!
4. Golden Stick
Adopt the Norway model and carry a ruby encrusted gold hiking pole for Nordic walking, British style. Doubles as a beating stick to shoo away foreigners.
5. NHS Promise temporary tattoos
This set of calligraphic tattoos – designed by Boris Johnson’s own Ink Artiste – is beautiful like an ostentatious promise, but they’re easily washed away with soap and the readily available tears of sick people abandoned on gurneys.
6. Clutch Control
A clutch globe is a strong look. Team it with shoulder pads and 17,000 freshwater pearls to make a powerful statement in the office.
7. The Winston Onesie
Brexit style won’t tolerate a burkini. Why hide your light under bushel? Everyone should be able to enjoy your figure.
8. Satin Sash
Nothing screams sovereignty like a sash. Make like Queen Elizabeth II and decorate yours with charms and brooches from Claire’s Accessories for divide and conquer chic.