Sorry we’ve not been around very much, we figured it’d be fine to relax, after all there’s not been all that much sexism lately (hahahahhahaaaaaaaa …. weep). But fear not! The fabulous Violet Bushtrimmer is here with this very handy guide for any men who may be feeling confused about sexual assault and harassment.
The last few weeks have revealed the festering, sewage that splutters and burps just below the surface of every organisation where men* have more power than brain-cells. From Weinstein and his ‘sex addiction’ to Trump and his pussy grabbing, the light has been shone on something that women have known for years; when men* are given too much power it goes straight to their dicks. What has been surprising (and by that, I mean absolutely NOT surprising) is the number of crashing dullards voicing their concern that this current ‘witch-hunt’ makes interacting with women too confusing for their tiny little brains. So here is the Tights simple guide to interacting with women, whilst avoiding sexual assaulting them.
Tip #1
Many things are considered to be signs that a woman is ‘asking for it’: any outfit that is tighter than a ‘Demis Roussos’, drinking more than two sherries, leaving the house, not leaving the house, smiling, not smiling and appearing to be in possession of a vagina. Let me let you in to a little secret – when women want something, they have things called ‘mouths’ which make noises called ‘language’ (These are located just below their noses. If you are reading this guide for advice, you might erroneously refer to them as ‘penis letterboxes’) We do not wear ‘please assault me’ pinafores or drink ‘grab my arse’ cocktails despite what the Daily Mail may think. So if you find a lady attractive, perhaps talk to her like an actual human and see where it goes.
For the younger and/or uninitiated reader, this is Demis Roussos.
Tip #2
If you do get the urge to pinch, grab or slap the arse of a woman then follow these steps: Get your slapping hand in position, lift it, slap yourself in the face. Still standing? Repeat.
Repeat as often as necessary. Photo: Dev Benjamin
Tip #3
Women walking down the street are not podcasts. They are not begging for a 5 star review, so keep your thoughts to yourself.
She’s probably quite uninterested in your opinion about her tits. Photo: Oskar Krawczyk
Tip #4
If you think a woman would be more attractive with a smile, then tell her, so long as you are prepared to enjoy being less attractive with no teeth.
Maybe try flossing? Photo: Hannah Gibbs
Tip #5
If you see a drunken woman and you are worried for her safety, by all means stay with her and arrange for safe transport home. A drunken woman is still a human being and is allowed to have autonomy over her body (and yes this bit of sage advice also applies to Neanderthal men who happen to be able to kick a fucking football).
A taxi is transport home. Your dick is not. Photo: Peter Kasprzyk
Tip #6
If you are on a crowded tube/bus/train then please be aware that women are capable of holding onto the straps to remain upright. We do not need your tiny erection sticking in our backs to give us extra balance.
Ingenious dick-free support invention. Photo: sabri-tuzcu
Tip #7
If you are not sure when it is acceptable to touch a woman, then kindly stay indoors and nail all available exits shut.
Great DIY project. Photo: Hunter Haley
Tip #8
Women have no problem with a friendly smile. It’s the grabbing the tits that we’re not so keen on. To recap – smile is fine, grabbing tits not fine. Got it?
That’s not a friendly smile Michael. Hands by your sides. Photo: Simon Migaj
Tip #9
If you are in a group of men and need to shout obscenities at a woman to feel manly, then go home and look at your spam email folder. There’s bound to be one about penis extensions in there somewhere.
There are always friendly people online who just wanna help a guy out.
Tip #10
If you’re still not sure then maybe use this one simple tip: don’t say or do anything to a woman that your wouldn’t want said or done to you in a prison shower.
It’s quite a simple concept, consent; if you really think about it. Photo: David Cohen
We hope you found this guide useful and manage to grasp this relatively simple message before next week’s ‘Tights’ guide on how to detach the penis of a sexual predator using only a door key’.
* Not all m… do we really have to get into this, isn’t it rather obvious?
All the gorgeous stock photography came from talented photographers on the brilliant site Unsplash.com
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