Holy shit. It’s Friday again. Don’t panic. Have you got some kind of baked good handy? Some tea making apparatus? Excellent. Now sit down and read about some terrible, terrible news written by some uniquely ghastly individuals…
10) No Diet Diet
THE NO DIET DIET IS BACK EVERYONE! EVERYONE? LOOK! YOU CAN EAT WHATEVER YOU LIKE AND STILL GET A BEACH BOD! YEAH! THE LADY-GRAIL! YEAH IT’S REAL. IT LASTS A WHOLE 4 WEEKS, then you can put it ALL back on and probably more with a compromised metabolism. But fear not; you can then do the ‘back to school diet,’ then the ‘foxy Halloween party diet,’ then the ‘catch a hot PE teacher at parent’s-evening diet,’ then the eat tinsel for Christmas diet… ad infinitum. Thanks The Sun, we know you really, really, really care about our health and self-esteem. We salute you. And by salute we mean miming the universal signal for ‘wankers’.
9) The thinking person’s tabloid strikes again
First it was pole dancing, then twerking and now, according to the Mirror, stripping is ‘in’ again. But this is not your normal run o’ the mill stripping. Oh no! Seeing the inside of a stranger’s vagina is so passé – these days, a strip tease involves removing your implants as well as your knickers. Which is really, really sexy, innit. Phwoar.
8) Two women in different countries wear orange at different times
Shiiiiiiiit, Nicola Sturgeon has invaded Germany and is staging a coup d’état! WHOOOOAHHH.
Oh, hang on, no, sorry, when the Express said she’s seizing Angela Merkel’s crown, they just mean she’s wearing a pink coat. Everybody calm down.
7) Pam St Sweary
Newsflash: random bloke verbally harasses woman, who happens to be walking past. Woman replies ‘fuck off.’ Lovely stuff, particularly when the woman involved is Pam St Clement, aka Pat Butcher. Of course, it’s always newsworthy when a lady says something unrepeatable, but…good grief, pass the Ativan, Pam St Clement is SEVENTY-THREE!!! Shouldn’t she be quilting and dying quietly?
The Express investigated the incident in depth, and contacted her agent for a statement. The representative replied: ‘I don’t know whether it’s true or not and frankly couldn’t care less. If swearing in public is a ‘story’ then God help us all.’
The Express printed this, with no sense of irony. Well done.
Stone the crows, it’s Martin Daubney again, bless him. This week, in The Telegraph, for money, he thinks rich, old dudes with smoking-hot babes on their arms are waaaay kool. Absolutely everyone else is, like, soooo jealous of the swag and super-hotness. In Daubs-Land* everyone is a cardboard cut-out. We’re all either way kool and laid back (like him), or a massive, jealous offendatron. Like, women don’t have to work, they choose to and are just bitter that younger, hotter models get all the jet-skis. Bloody women!
Now, only a rancorous, barren hag with a sinister feminist agenda** would think he’s being a desperate irritant just to get attention. He’s a bit like a small child that copies everything you say, or a stubborn outbreak of nits, or a dreary sexist divot who eschews thinking. And socks.
*Daubs-Land is like Disneyland, except all the rides are oiled up tits, and all the characters are oiled up tits and all the scenery is made of…oiled up ti… no only kidding, it’s all made of layers and layers of old copies of Loaded and crusted spunk.
5) Weather presenter presents…Top Gear?
Alongside the six willion articles about Ms Kirkwood pouring herself into things and putting on various bodily displays, lurks this little gem a’ la The Express. Carol has admitted that she’d bloody love to co-host Top Gear, but fears her age would be a stumbling block, insisting ‘they’d never have me, I’m 53!’
Interesting. Jeremy Clarkson is 55 and he’s a cunt, yet he managed to sort of do the job for a bit. Carol is younger than him, doesn’t insult Mexicans and can conjure the weather.
For fuck’s sake the BBC, give her a ring.
4) Fashion Victim
Women are such idiots. Aspiring to wear restrictive Fashion and then insisting on doing things like helping a friend move a chest freezer. You’re not supposed to move in Fashion. Everyone knows that, even demoralised, middle-of-the-road people who work for The Sun.
Fashion is for standing awkwardly in and staring vacantly toward the middle distance, with an expression of desperate disinterest in anything that might induce any level of mirth. Fashion is also supposed to be unflattering and/or upsetting. And there are the added optional fashion-features of mangled organs, fainting, intimate fungal infections, pulsating bunions and a smorgasbord of eating disorders.
If you’ll excuse me, I must read this month’s Vogue, eat the foundation samples and do that jutting elbow thing in an attempt to look gaunt and weird.
3) Like mother like daughter (except her daughter is young and hotter)
Is your beauty being eclipsed by your teenage daughter’s youthful ‘bloom?’ Are you sagging while they appear firm, lithe and peachy? Is your hair wiry and grey, while theirs seems rich, glossy and full of lustre, like the coat of a Crufts winner?
Well we’ve got just the ticket.
Why not humiliate yourself, and her, by being in an old-lady-shaming story in the Daily Mail. You too can wear shit matching outfits from BHS, talk ‘candidly’ about being washed out compared to a sixteen-year-old and how fashion can bring you together. Nothing says ‘bonding’ like festering, inter-familial resentment.
2) A load of arse
The Sun, currently running the ‘Gimme Shelter’ campaign against domestic violence, ran this article yesterday, about a woman’s experience of sexual violence. What fun to refer to the woman as ‘bum bite girl!’ That’s cheeky, innit?! What a refreshingly upbeat headline for an article about a woman being bitten all over her body and choked by a man she trusted. To make things even worse, most of the moderated readers’ comments expressed sympathy with the perpetrator and criticised the victim for contacting the police, whilst others hilariously requested photographs of the ‘bum bite’ evidence.
The campaign’s working a treat then.
1) Charleston Massacre was a GIRL’s Fault
Other things that were probably, really A GIRL’S FAULT, in no particular order:
The Wall Street Crash, the collapse of the Roman Empire, the back catalogue of Simply Red post ‘Picture Book,’ the assassinations of JFK, Martin Luther King, John Lennon and Ghandi, the rise of Stock, Aitken and Waterman, the global financial crisis of 2008, the films of Michael Bay, The Battle of Hastings, mini roundabouts, Global Warming, Only Fools and Horses, The Taliban, Robin Reliant cars, World War I, Windows Vista, 9/11, the Boer War, mankinis, the Cuban missile crisis, George Lucas’ appalling grasp of plot continuity, various jihads, diabetes, World War II and fondue sets.
Well, there you go. If in doubt, blame a woman. We’re even sure plenty of other women will likely think it’s fair enough.
We’ve had quite enough meejah for this week, time for a warm bath and a cry.
Next weekend we’re at Matchfest in London and we’ll be doing The Week in Sexist News LIVE on the Saturday with a Q&A, so TWISN won’t go up until Sunday. We’re looking forward to it, provided we don’t get pelted with things and heckled by a burly bunch of lefty feminists. You know the sort.
If you can make it we’d love to see you there, it’s dead reasonable, click here to book: http://www.matchfest.co.uk/
Lotsa love Iris and Flora xx