Hello!! Darlings, we have missed you. You know what else we’ve missed? That’s correct, we’ve missed ferreting around in the trough of news slurry that is the tabloid press. And we did not ferret in vain, for we have liberated some choice lumps of crud. We invite you all to enjoy these choice wads of gak from our national news pus-bucket.

 

10) Ushering in Romance

Loving the Daily Mail‘s benchmark for romance. Ladies, what really is proof of love and affection? Yes, that’s right, a man facilitating a smooth ingress or egress though a doorway. Extra points for ‘ushering.’ Forget respect, passion, shared jokes, that dubious Thing you like in bed or impromptu packets of plain chocolate Hobnobs, it’s all about being shooed through a door like a prize hen. Automatic doors are basically installed to promote equality and THWART gallantry. And revolving doors are for getting your cardigan caught in.

 

 9) Luncheon Meat Laptop in my Pants

Prior to reading this article in the Daily Star, I was fairly certain that my vagina (despite being really old and in need of a rejuvenating trifle pessary) was normal. Except I’m now a bit baffled, largely due to the photos illustrating the piece. Should my vagina actually be a computer mouse made of ham? Please help.

 

 8) Tibet’s Next Top Lama

The Express have decided to help choose the new Dalai Lama, since the current DL said if he had a female successor she should be a smoking, babelicious hottie if she’s to be of any use (I’m paraphrasing – sort of). Yes ladies, sorry to break it to you, but even His Holiness (and what a handsome devil he is too) allegedly sees women first and foremost as ornamental. We at Tights are shocked and appalled, but don’t worry, it’s fine, all the other religious leaders have really cool views on equality and shiz.

 

7) Sarah Vine MD

You’ve got to hand it to spite-flavoured, wasp-chewing, weasel-on-a-stick Sarah vine. And by ‘it’ I mean a bag of stale hobnobs dunked in sulphuric acid. Congratulations may be in order for the Head Gove-ette; she seems to have developed some kind of medical sixth sense, whereby she can assess a person’s health via a photograph. She showcased her new skill by criticising the new shadow health secretary for not being Pippa Middleton trim. Incidentally though, being Pippa Middleton will not save a person from the sour tang of our favourite Daily Mail opinionista, Whiney-Viney decided to pointlessly make fun of the future queen’s sister for having a tan and wearing a dress. Whadda gal.

 

6) Woman marries man

This article reads like a checklist of the Daily Mail’s greatest fears: woman (check) in her late thirties (check) marries a foreigner (check) younger than her (check) has sex with him on the first date (check) has his child (check) and brings him to Britain (massive check).

If only she was on the dole with massive tits, it would have made the front page.

 

5) Elbow Betrayal 

Our Prime Minister is romancing a butcher’s offal bin, and we’re supposed to be worried about our ELBOWS looking old?

Really Femail, I’ve got bigger concerns than whether blokes find my elephant elbows distasteful – in fact, I only remember that I actually own a pair when I smash one of them into the wardrobe door when I’m putting my dressing gown on. But still, it makes a change from fretting about my geriatric vagina, so that’s nice.

 

4) Women wear similar clothes

Despite Bill Turnbull wearing the same pair of trousers for fifteen years, the Daily Express were outraged that Carol Kirkwood and Louise Minchin wore the SAME dress – in different colours – on telly this week. OMFFFG!!! And the BBC expect us to pay a licence fee! It’s a DISGRACE!

Wouldn’t it be better all round if they just went to work in their pants? It would make it much easier for Hugh Whittow to print an informed article about Carol’s knockers, and we wouldn’t have to wade through 387,078 pages of rotting tripe about her colour-block shift dresses from Whistles.

 

3) Dear Daily Star, you cannot have sex with a child: it’s called ‘rape’

A thirty year old has raped a child. So far, so horrific.

However, the perpetrator happened to be a woman; a ‘glamorous,’ ‘pretty,’ blonde, who ‘had sex’ with the schoolboy. The tone of this Daily Star article seems to suggest that it was all a bit of fun.

This made me very angry but, upon reading the following paragraph, I was comforted to realise I’m the only person who ever reads the Star – even the journalists don’t actually read it:

I despair. Unless of course, this meta-journalism means they’ve decided to be a conceptual ‘newspaper.’ The concept being they are basically a bunch of spunky, twatbags who won’t leave women on breakfast telly alone.

 

2) The circle of piss

Look! Posh Spice has pissed herself!

You’re not looking hard enough, let me enlarge the picture and circle her vagina with red pen. There, that’s better:

The Daily Express: pointing and laughing at women since 1900.

 

1) Scaling Twat Mountain

Just in case you thought the Daily Mail had reached the pinnacle of Wankerdom … Never fear, the zennith is in sight, but they’ve a little way to go, and are busting out the grappling hooks and crampons. Let’s hope Paul Dacre has packed some oxygen, the air is pretty thin at the summit of Mount Wankspangle. We have no doubt that Hopkins’ appointment will provide TWISN with ample material and we are battening down the hatches for the profound joys ahead.

…

Well, how was that for you? Gunky and nihilistic? Bit grim? Basically, the intellectual equivalent of someone dropping a tepid shepherd’s pie in your lap and then farting wetly nearby? Yes we sympathise. Let’s all have a cup of tea and a cry. Until next week ducks. XXX