Yes, it’s Friday again dear readers! We’ve been spoilt for choice this week: our national press has been busy billowing out rancid guff about fashion, music, work, sex and violent crime and, in the process, stinking out our collective consciousness. We give you our countdown of The Week in SEXIST NEWS…

10) To emulate Prince George’s ‘style,’ mums buy knitted shit

Although most women I know do, of course, look to a two year old they’ve seen in the papers to inform and direct their consumer choices, I can’t help but wonder if the Daily Mail are missing a key factor in explaining why mums are buying jumpers in their droves: it’s October Daily Mail, OCTOBER.

9)  A Smoulder-Off

The Sun are now promoting their Page 3 calendar with one of the most awkward videos going: 12 women writhing about against walls and trees making ‘I really fancy you bloke in fleece with a semi’ faces whilst staring into the lens of tit-peddler and advocate of public-transport-based boners, Alison Webster. Very pleased to see they’ve not entirely dispensed with the statement necklaces. Perhaps this is what Rupert Murdoch meant when he said women look more fetching in ‘at least some fashionable clothing?’

8) Women who work face imminent death

The Daily Mail provides helpful ‘evidence’ that women who go to work will inevitably develop lung cancer, become alcoholics, have a nervous breakdown and drop dead on the tube.

7) How to take a photo of yourself wearing pants

In her first assignment for The Sun, Helen Flanagan (a woman who has built a career on pretending to be gormless and constantly looking surprised) has penned a guide to help women navigate the complex task of posing in front of a mirror in their smalls. To achieve the ‘Flanagan’ effect, I would advise a) donning a pair of tiny, thrush-enhancing drawers and b) imagine Sid James with a hedgehog stuck up his arse. Pull that face. Voilà!

6) Unpleasant man remains unmarried.

Not married ladies.

Botox and high-waisted trouser enthusiast Simon Cowell has decided to bolster his personal brand by likening himself to George Clooney; well, they are both rich and had dark hair… He suggests he is now the world’s most eligible bachelor, since George got hitched, did you hear about that? The Mail reports that he might marry his girlfriend and mother of his child, but he might wait a while. We at Tights are overcome by the sheer ROMANCE; who wouldn’t want their own reluctant, condescending, St Tropezed prince?  The world’s most successful recipient of a charm bypass is also enthusiastic about being a parent and claims to be ready for fatherhood now since he can afford a fleet of nannies. Gosh, we’re coming over all nuptial just at the thought of him!

5) Women embarrass some animals for charity

Mortifying the horses

 The Sun do love a calendar don’t they, well they do if it includes women in their skivvies. If it were for a non-sexy charity (you know, not breast cancer) with non-sexy pictures they’d probably find it tough to find a positive angle. They might not be able to use the word Phwoar, or make a joke about knickers. Luckily, these ladies are keen hunters, riders and animal lovers (well some animals) so they got to use the words ‘foxy’ and ‘racy’ – phew! We know the folks at The Sun are always champing at the bit to use cunning puns when proffering knockers.

4) Arse About Face

Apparently butt facials are a thing. Butt facials. Butt facials. Doesn’t matter how many times you say it, it doesn’t sound any less fucking stupid. Dear Daily Mail, we know you all spend all your time with your heads up your arses, but please take it from us they are meant to be separate body parts, chemical peel or no chemical peel. My main concern is that the woman in the photo has goggles on, for an arse cleanse.

 3) The Sun launches its Classical Music Special

‘The Sun has a classical music feature’ I hear you cry? Well, it does now and, yes, it involves mostly tits. Twerking Tits.

This week, while our country is teetering on the cusp of fascism, The Sun ran with the incredible FRONT PAGE splash ‘I twerk my boobs to Mozart’. I can picture Farage now, scoffing over his Frühstück at such comedy gold as the ‘Phwoar seasons.’ The article continues: ‘Tattooed model Sara X Mills gives a bra-vura performance’… yes, ‘Bra-vura’. Other hits include ‘Air on the G-string,’ make of that what you will.

Anyway, in the interests of balance, heres a bloke who can play piano with his nob. You. Are. Welcome.

2) Sarah Vine: Attention Seeker

Resident handmaiden Sarah Vine provides us with yet another veritable yawn-fest of woman-hating over at the Mail this week.

Purveyor of such utter bollocks as ‘Women are asking too much of marriage’ and ‘How not to look like a dough pat on the beach’ Vine, at her ‘controversial’ best informs us that, despite what’s written in the sexual offences act 2003, rape has in fact got a grading system.

Doesn’t being the token click-bait get boring, Sarah? I can hear Paul Dacre now: ‘I know you wanted to write about the housing crisis this week but Judy Finnegan said something morally reprehensible on Loose Women yesterday, can’t we just ride that wave? You know, less social housing and more…. rape apology.’

1) 2,500 miles away, a bloke stuck a picture of some tits on a transit van

Long gone is the Film Noir era Fleet Street of quick-witted, sharp-tongued hacks pulling all kinds of hijinx to land a big story. Today, from his Ikea clad high-rise HQ, shiny suited Sun sleaze David Dinsmore runs a very different ship.

Cut to Wednesday’s staff meeting… Dinsmore, a Lion Bar in one hand and a packet of crayons in the other, addresses his lackeys: ‘guys, you can clock off early – we’ve got The News sewn up – there’s a van in Russia with tits on it. See you in the bar in twenty – mine’s a Bacardi Breezer.’